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09 Aug 2006, 2:35 am / Bored
Its 2 :18 am i can't sleep somethings have been bothering me. my inner demons are surfacing. They are making me feel psychotic, sysoprenic, and manic depressive. I have been battling thm for 2 years. I had friends family girlfriends the list goes on, to keep me grounded. But now i am alone and they are coming out like the flood destroying a indestruclible city. I have put it off for now and i ask myself these quiestions.
Am i a good person? I have borken 9 1/2 of the ten commandments. I never used to feel remorse or regret with anything i have done before. But i feel i have made poor choices and i plan to lay these things to rest.
On another note i feel moving to arizona was a mistake. I left my friends and family there so that i could pusue selfish dreams. But it is for nothing. I may just move back home bye the end of the year or later. I am not sure what to do on that. Chicago is my heart and i feel lifeless without it.
I have changed alot. i have become a colder and harder person, something i never wanted to happen. This place is my own personal hell. Being alone is something i cannot come to accept. I begin to wonder if god hates me or is it somethign i have done? Maybe it is i don't know.
(laughs)
Its funny i walk around the mall or anywhere i go to run errands and i see famlies together. They laugh, joke with one another, they are happy. I see girls with their husbands or boyfriends walking hand in hand. Smiling at one another and i remember what it was like to have that. I miss it. What kills me the most is to see a girl looking at me a flirting with me. I return them to her and think to myself. Your beatiful,you warm my ice cold hart, but i cannot be with you because I myself am not whole I could offer you little in return.
The only thing I can thinkk of to do too right this is to pick myself up, mend my wounds, and fix myself emotionally. I thought maybe writting will help. The paper listens.
With that said this is Max Payne, Aka Lestat.
Any suggetions please feel free to post them i will not mind.
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