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25 Jul 2008, 7:56 pm / Tired
Loneliness has never bothered me. In fact, it's my preference. People irk me far too much for me to be around them so I prefer to remain alone. Maybe it bothers me now because before, I knew that I belonged somewhere and now my place is gone. I don't know if its my recent leg injury (which is about 90% healed) or the monumental collapse of the one consistent thing in my life but its starting to piss me off. Ironic, people piss me off, but it pisses me off just as much to not associate myself with them. Is it fear of betrayal? No, it's lack of trust. Its all those who've turned their back on me coming back and biting me; still haunted by never quite knowing why. God, I'd feel a helluva lot better if I knew, huh? Who am I kidding? The damage is already done. The knives already to deep to pull out. So there they shall remain. Being this gloomy and dark is NOT me cup of tea y'know; but this feeling needs to go away. I see it as a test though. After 8 long years, can I finally handle all of those problems I've pushed aside? Can I overcome the overwhelming hopeless and depression? Can I dig deep enough to find the strength to tough it out; to find just a stars shard of hope, or is all my strength gone? Most importantly though, can I do it alone? For some strange reason, I'm finding it hard not to grin at this challenge. Is it my competetive nature or is it the fact that if I can't pull this off, I'll never be the same again? Despite the fact that I'm on the edge right now, steadily losing my balance and have visibly nothing left to fight for, I kinda like the breeze up here. It's either the calm before the storm, or I'm in the eye of it....
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