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07 Jul 2006, 5:04 pm / Lonely
SOME ONE...PLEASE READ THIS
to everyone who cares enough to read,
it hurts so much...this pain i have inside...i don't really know what's wrong but it just hurts so much like if my insides are being torn to shreads...no one really understands me...and no one whould even take the time to get to know me...but may be its me...i don't feel comfortable around people, so i push them away...i just so had to talk to everyone i feel as if i would let everyone down...i don't want to dissappoint, anyone i am trying me best but i just don't know what to do...i have no one to take to how would really understand who would not judge nor be let down by my imperfections...
human emotions, so complicated...i just want this pain to stop...i don't want to cry any more...
i am not a size 3 and i hate shoping cuz nothing ever fits...and any time i eat anything my dad gives me a funny look or makes some comment about food...
my mom is really catholic, but i think church is a joke...the church says no to gays...but i think i might not be stright...i'm afarid of what she would think...of what other people would say...i don't want to be different...i just want to feel normal...but then agaion what it normal right?
any time i call my only brother still living in trinidad i feel as if i have done some thing wrong something to offend him...D, i'm sorry
i was kind close with another one of my brothers...he's in canada now...when mortal combat now came out, after he watched it, he came back home and told me everything about it, the names of all the charactures and what happend in the movie, i remember that day perfectly and all the names he called because he seemed passionate about it...i really like anime, one in particular, gundam wing, in it i love Trowa and Duo, i told him every thing about it...now he does not even know what it is...i am tired of being hurt and forgotten A1
my last and oldest brother lives in england...he has for a while so i don't really know him that well...he is probally the only one how could get to understand me but we are hardly in touch so a real connection has never been formed...MC *sigh*
i have a sister she's older too...i'm the youngest in my family...she's a size 3, she has a rock star boy friend from TAF (tripped and fallen)
she has the looks and the personality and simply put perfection...she goes to school in canada...Lee you make me feel sick around you i'm never good enough when compared...we were both artists, her work got framed, put on the wall and shown to everyone who came to our house, my work got a quick congradulations and was then tossed to the side...i didn't take art in school, i didn't want to be in her shadow...
i am just so confused about everything...and after having every thing just piled on top of each other...i make myself sick with how i am...alomst every day now i think about killing myself...i've made a list it has about 78 ways of how to die...at this point i would do any thing to make the pain to stop...this way i feel inside...
i try...i make plans and go out with my friends but i always feel so awarkward around them...i am the only white one and the only one who isn't a size 3...we have a graduation dinner in my country...its like a prom, except only the graduating class goes...it's a really big deal... i missed mine...i stayed at home and cried... people say the lonelyest place is in the middly of a crowd...that's how i always feel...i hate going out i feel so out of place...
i don't know what more i can say, i hurt, deeply.
and the pain is unbarable and i just want it to stop...stop...
S T O P !
Crying Angel, Fallen Demon
Caddy
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