DATE: 23 Jul 2009, 3:37 am / MOOD: Disappointed

i dnt like my surname, cz it is my dads, but i gotta live with it for another 18 months, i can cope with that, but what pisses me off is the look of utter contempt on my moms face when she has to say my full name, as if it is scum, she may hate my dad, but still i got the name to it is my name, and i dunno i just feel hurt when she says it as if it is shit, as if my name is shit......

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DATE: 20 Jul 2009, 5:36 pm / MOOD: Ghastly

i hate how people ignore me coz of who i am, my mom s boyfriend is a total chav and refuses to talk to me coz of who i am, so i am returning the favour and refusing to talk to him, which is a bit childish i kno, but he started it, my mom says i am being an idiot and trying to split up her relationship, but im not, if she is happy than so be it, but i just refuse to talk to him or be in the same room as him, purely coz that is what he is doing to me, im just fighting fire with fire, so to speak

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DATE: 22 Jun 2009, 6:56 pm / MOOD: Confused

http://twitter.com/blood_red_tears      <---- my twitter........ i got it, now wtf do i do with it.......    and y is my writing green all of a sudden???? 

 

 

ohh well... add me on twitter if u want 

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DATE: 21 Jun 2009, 5:18 pm / MOOD: Don't Know

judge me if u wish.... but this is just my thoughts and feelings on the matter.......

 

self harm has been a part of my life for a few years now...... there have been a few months were i havnt cut at all.... but it was always there... i kept my blades, just incase i needed them... and i am damn glad i did.....i dnt really care what anyone says......im not encouraging people to cut, i am just saying dnt judge those who do.... yeh people tell me to stop... i kno i need to... but do u kno what??? i dnt wanna stop.. i like it and i am quite happy with it... it is part of who i am.. and its a part that will never go away.... i am ashamed and proud of my scars, ashamed coz of the pain they caused to the few people who love me, but i am proud coz they show how strong i am... and that i survived... my scars define me.. they are unique to me.... a map of my pain.... of my own individual journey.,...occasionally i wish they wernt there.... but a lot of the time i am glad they are there....they are my defence... my shield... i kno that may sound odd.. but they are they show how i deffend myself... how i strengthen myself....people may think it is strange.... but fuck them.... they dnt understand..... they are ignorant, closed minded people, it is no different from punching walls, same out come... pain, stress relief, so how come mashing up knuckles on germ infested walls is acceptable, but taking a clean blade and cutting neat lines into flesh is totally unnaceptable and strange????   society is fucked...

 thanx for reading this.. 

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DATE: 19 Jun 2009, 3:22 pm / MOOD: Lonely

HOW COULD YOU??

You robbed me of what was mine,

My grave lay abandoned,

You robbed me of my destiny,

 

WHY DID YOU??

I was almost there,

Home,

One more ruby red drop,

Flatline,

 

WHERE WAS I??

Freezing cold,

Pouring rain,

My brain was foggy,

Only one thing clear,

Almost over,

 

THERE I WAS

On that bench,

Fading fast,

Lips are blue,

Ground streaked red,

 

THEN THEY CAME

With the flashing lights,

My heart lifted,

Than promptly sank,

Wrong lights,

Not the beautiful, beautiful, white,

But evil obtrusive blue,

 

THERE THEY WERE

People,

Uniforms,

Hell,

Bandages,

And the suffereing continues.... 

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DATE: 19 Jun 2009, 3:09 pm / MOOD: Lonely

They see the scars,

They know the signs,

They think its a phase,

So they let you continue....

 

But, oh, whow they're wrong,

They sit and wait for the mutilation to stop,

They got a long wait.....

 

Because its not a phase,

Its a way of life,

A coping mechanism,

That needs coping with....

 

How can a phase,

Cause this much destruction??

Wearing odd socks is a phase,

But carving lines into your arm??

 

Thats not a phase,

I mean, what phase can lead to SUICIDE?? 

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DATE: 15 Jun 2009, 5:28 am / MOOD: Lonely

As i shed a tear,

You'll notice its not clear,

But red...

 

From my wrist it fall,

I wont tell you it all,

Just what you should know..

 

 No matter what i try,

Not a single tear i cry,

So i used a blade,

And a tear i made...

 

It may not be conventional,

It may not be normal,

But it worked.....

Or did it?????

The blood drips down,

I begin to to frown,

Did it really????

 

I ask myself as i see what a mess i've made,

Of my arms,

Of my thighs.

Of my stomach,

 

Scars will never heal,

Souveniers forever,

Of a time to forget,

But forget???

Never, never, never........ 

 

 

 

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DATE: 15 Jun 2009, 4:10 am / MOOD: Satisfied

lastnight i did another tattoo, i already had a small square on my thigh which  i tattooed a few months ago, last night i tattooed a pentagram on my stomach near my right hip.... i really hope it works.  it didnt hurt much, tho i did use the worst method, which is cutting the design... then applying the ink, it is much quicker than the pricking method, tho it is not a method i reccomed coz it is vulnerable to infection....

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