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well this is a look into who i am... well at least who I think I am after hours of self exploration. This is something I needed to do but after i'm done i'll put it up. if your a friend, tell me if you think I am right or point out things I may not know about myself, and if your just looking, well this will give you a glimpse into who i am
Okay, well my first thought is that, while I am very capable of great depths within my feelings, I am not really one to show them often or even at all 90% of the time. It is possible for me to love someone without them ever knowing(i know it sounds strange...). It's not unlikely for me to express my affection for others by helping them reach their goals or get out of trouble, but to say things for me, it means nothing, love is action.... hard to explin....
I have as many problems accepting love as I do showing it. To me the motives of those who show me any type of affection or love are suspect...I also question my worthiness when it comes to being loved by others as most people do, but I also dwell on it... I am very loyal though when you do have my trust, i would take a bullet for anyone out there, but I'll only cry in front of you if I love you in some way if that makes any sence.
I feel I am the master of my own fate. I know only one way to live: on my own terms, this may sound vain, but I am my own religion.Anything that helps me reach higher levels of knoledge or power within myself is my mission. I love looking for the beauty in everything, and I find alomost everyone appealing in some way. I like who I am and I love my flaws. Yes there are some things i might change if given the chance, but overall, those are all physical, and don't matter much.
Also, when life hands me a loss, I dont really waste time sulking, but rather continue on with whatever i feel needs to be done in that moment, things do have a nasty habbit of hitting me in the face when it does catch up with me, and the emotinal pain will effect me physically and I will be bedridden for months.
Those around me will never know the depth of my passions so to speak, I will never let anyone know how much i feel for something or someone... I fear them ruining my plans and I fear anything outside my own head alot of the time, this to some makes me completly untrustworthy, some even find me... cold. Trying to look into my mind will most likely cause me to run away from you and never trust you again, I say what I want people to hear alot of the time, and I do lie to people I dont trust about who I am and what I've done to gain their trust so I can still help them with whatever their problems may be, giving them a false sence of knowing me, when really they only know a character. That alot of the time, is just for my amusement... This is not something I do to hurt you, i swear it. It is something i do to protect myself...
I love to compete in fact, thinking about it now, to do well I almost always need an opponent. I really am very hard to get mad, it takes alot of effort on your part, but when i am mad, I will never forgive you, and I must admit, I'm pretty scary when I'm upset about something, I dont back down and I don't give in or falter in my view. If you cross me be assured that I will retaliate with everything I have... and not to be rude, but i have alot more on my side then most, and when laced with my venom its not something you will quickly get over.
I can also almost always be relied on to keep my wits about me when in awful situations that some may refer to as a crisis. I almost always have a decent plan on how to overcome the current crisis and handle the situation as best as it could be handled at that time, I'm very objective, if you get hurt in the process of me handling a situation, not meaning to sound harsh, but that was just something that could not be avoided. It was not an attack against you, but simply something that happened when handling a situation...Nothing I've ever done in my life so far, has been intended to hurt an individual, I value the individual to dearly to do that. it was simply a reaction to an action I felt was needed at that present time. Others often question the depth of my feelings, but i do hurt and worry about people so much, if I showed my feelings at all times, it would annoy the fuck out of you.
I hate to admit it,but I do have quite the talent for bringing people together(yes i know, i minipulate, and yes I know you probibly hate me for it, i swear though i never bring people together under negitivity. I try to make people happy because my surroundings effect me alot, if the people around me are happy, I am happy). I can 9/10 times find a solution to rifts that tend to occur between conflicting personalitys, lack of communication or stupidity. My objectivity tends to allow me to see all sides of an issue free of prejudice(well I try to at least). Whatever the setting, people should be able to rely on me to be fair and truly seek solutions and compromises that benefit all parties equally.
As i try to be both articulate and a bit outspoken, i find that I am an interesting opponent in almost any debate. A heated barrage of words does not intimidate me in the least :P. I have a very analytical mind which helps me find the flaws in the thinking of my opponent but I do like to use silly nothing arguments when I get bored, and If i dont find you interesting, so i dont hurt your feelings, I will let you win so it will be over and you can meintain your pride though, i have lost an argument as much as i've won one. I love opposing thoughts and the different views that are shown from all sides so as to gain a better more well rounded oppinion. At times my, well lets just say "candor " can be a bit irritating or offensive to those exposed to it, but I am who I am.
I tend to express my affection in a manner very much my own( and no one but one has ever truly experienced this as I only do it when I'm the "forever and a day" kind of in love with you, I'm not going to say what I do, if you ever find out, it should be a surprise, it will mean more if its just between us). For some reason many people tend to feel things deeply for me very quickly, I hate breaking hearts, and I hate not feeling as much for someone else as they do for me, but I do have a very bad habbit of being to weak to break their heart so I play the part until they are ready to move on. However as I've said before, I have alot of trouble opening up to people on a very... intimate level(this doesent mean sexually). Because of this many of my relationships that could develop into something amazing remain platonic for the simple reason that, if I really like you, then your the last person I will tell, and in alot of cases I will push you away. My ideal partner must be able to stimulate me mentally, physically, and spiritually. They must be able to make me lauph and not take things to seriously, not many people can do that now a-days.
I love all things unique, and I am attracted to people who are overtly different from most. I view of life as journey towards finding who I am and reaching higher levels of self while still expressing my true and total self to those I deem worthy. I completly understand people's need to be themselves and respect/support their need to be their true selves whatever that may be.
I tend to try to create a warmth and a willingness around me to show my acceptence for all people. For who they truly are. This tends to make even the most inhibited people feel comfortable around me. I will never allow anyone to be left out of what I or what my group is doing.
I love the role of caring for those who are having a difficult time caring for themselves(I get hurt alot that way, but when they let me hold them, even for a moment, physically or emotionally its woth the risk). I strive to bring those who feel disenfranchised from life back into the fold of their own humanity. I have a very strong sense of family, which often makes me want to offer everyone the opportunity to be a part of a warm, supportive group.
The last thing you should probibly know about me is I often find it difficult to balance my idealistic ambitions with my realistic view of the world. Setbacks often frustrate me to the point that I give up entirely. I am VERY lazy alot of the time and I have an awful work ethic.
My goals are usually not very mainstream in nature, being an idealist I tend to draw my goals from my inner goals of reaching a higher sence of self.
I tryed my best to be objective and tell the whole honest truth, feel free to correct me though.
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