DATE: 07 Nov 2008, 9:20 pm / MOOD: Tired

it's been such a long time since i've logged in... 6 to 8 months perhaps... i just wanted to see what was new and what has changed... and what has stayed the same... i miss the community and the interesting people i've met here... looking at all of the profiles makes me feel a bit nostalgic... well, it's getting late and i'm getting sleepy... i hope to hear from some of you soon, perhaps... goodnight and take care.

 with much love and fond memories,

squee

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DATE: 20 Nov 2006, 1:26 pm / MOOD: Other

It seems as though the empending doom of my nose draws closer and closer. Wednesday I am scheduled to have my surgery, and Thanksgiving will be one pain killer induced fog, which might not be a bad thing now thinking about it. Everyone thinks that their family is crazy, I suppose. For some reason, even though my cousin is a red neck wigger, don't ask me how that happened, I am considered the odd one. It's getting to where I find myself trying to see just how I can freak them out. Thanksgiving, family, bandaged nose, oh the misery... 

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DATE: 15 Oct 2006, 2:30 pm / MOOD: Lonely

i'm going through another one of my lonely spells. i hate feeling this way. highschool is a hell. i live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. i am at a loss for people even remotley like me. it's very frustrating to walk among people who act like they like you when they need something from you, but seconds later you are nothing to them. i tend to keep things to myself (except on the computer. it's my outlet) which is most likely my problem. i am shy and i have so much built up resentment toward these people. if i could only get out and meet some people... here i'm saying this as i sit in my room alone. i need to get off my ass and do something.

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DATE: 09 Oct 2006, 3:59 pm / MOOD: Other

don't you have those high school english assignments where they give you a form for a poem such as "I am (Insert two adjectives here)" i hope mine isn't too boring.

 

I Am

I am observant and articulate

I wonder what lies beyond what we can’t see

I hear laughing in wind chimes

I see reflections in rain drops

I want freedom to express myself

I am observant and articulate

I pretend the moon is an opal marble that is just out of reach, and if I could only stretch a little farther it would be in my grasp

I feel that intolerant people hold each of us back from what we could become

I touch feathers on the wings of ambition

I worry when I am presented with too much change

I cry because of the silence

I am observant and articulate

I understand that some need their space to stay sane, while too much space for others is the reason for their lack of

I say that there is a fine line between dry wit and mass sarcasm, I often cross this line

I dream of books I have read and let them take me to a place where the only limitations are set by my imagination

I try to listen more than I speak

I hope that I will one day find my place in this world

I am observant and articulate

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DATE: 05 Oct 2006, 9:59 pm / MOOD: Other

it's over now. the funeral was yesterday. nothing remarkable happened as we had expected, but one of the nurses that had taken care of grammy placed a rose bud in the casket and it opened up. i kept the appointment with the specialist for my nose. i need some stuff straightened up so i can breathe better, and he told me he'd take care of the cosmetic stuff for free while he was at it since it would be so minor. so basically i'd be getting a $2000 procedure for free. my parents and i still need to talk it over. my bf and i just had a fight. i hate when he does that to me and has to leave. i mope around the next day until i get to talk to him again. everything is changing and i feel so weighed down. i suppose it will get better.

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DATE: 01 Oct 2006, 7:50 pm / MOOD: Other

my grammy died yesterday. she's been sick for a really long time, and we were expecting it, but then again we weren't. when i was 3 years old my grandfather had a stroke and went on to have several more. 7 total. we had moved in with them, while still keeping our own home, to take care of them. their health steadily declined and my pawpaw died in '02. by then grammy was sick enough she needed our care. this has not been like any grandma dying. this is someone i've spent every day with since i was 3 years old. it's been like losing a parent. 

 i woke up early saturday morning because i had to go work for band boosters. i left early while she was still sleeping. i came in after 3, she said something to me and i waved and said hello. i was so tired, i went immediately back to my room and crashed for two hours when my mother woke me up and she said "baby, i don't want to scare you, but we think grammy is dying." at the moment i couldn't comprehend what was going on. i had just been woken up from a deep sleep and told that someone who had been in my life for so long was dying.

as soon as i saw her it was all i could do to keep from screaming. she was so pale. her eyes were opened the slightest bit so that you could see just a sliver of color, but what i found to look so horrible was the way her jaw hung open and her teeth jutting out. i can't get it out of my mind. the way she looked, i see it every time i close my eyes. my mother asked me for the number of a friend of the family that she was going to call for help. i told her the number and went around to the side of grammy's bed and sat on the edge. i held her hand and stroked it and it was already getting cold. a second later i had looked up and she had stopped breathing.

mrs.adwina (family friend) helped my mother (who is a nurse) clean grammy up and put her in a clean house dress. the justice of the peace came as well as a police officer and funeral home director to take care of the official stuff. and when they came to take her away i lost it majorly. i sat on the bed along side her and laid my head on her shoulder and cried and refused to move. i had felt so guilty. she had been sick for such a long time and was so demanding and impatient. it was easy to get frustrated with her and snap at her. the past couple of days i hadn't been very nice to her, i actually hadn't really seen her much the past couple of days to be honest. i had been so busy with school. i didn't get to tell her that i loved her yesterday. and she was gone before i could say goodbye. i screamed for them to just leave me there with her, but my daddy said told me that if i didn't move he was going to have to carry me away so i figured i'd best move.

we took care of funeral arrangements today. i'm so miserable. it's so quiet now. without her oxygen concentrator running, and the fan off and the television off. it's horrible. it's like having your ears stuffed with cotton.

i know there's not much anyone can do. i just needed to get that out. 

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DATE: 25 Sep 2006, 4:56 am / MOOD: Other

when it rains it pours. heaven forbid hayden ever read any of these blogs. i make him look bad. i love him to death but god... he's been under a lot of stress lately having been mugged. i totally understand that. two guys with knives held up to you can change the way you think about alot of things. he's also just been recently turned down by the military, has quit college, etc. not alot of thing are going great for him right now. so, we were talking saturday night (after i returned from my first concert/party thingy at a local art gallery which rocked. lots of people of the alternative life style, meaning a whole shit load of "goth kids") and he said something to me, i don't remember what it was, but it was one of those comments that could be interpreted badly by one of those nagging girlfriend types (that means me). he said "i was just kidding" and i said "no you're not". woah!!! big mistake, holy shit, times you wish you could go back in time. he has a big "you don't know what's going on in my head so you possibly can't know how exactly i feel issue" issue. so he snaps at me, yells, says something and we sit there in silence (we were on the computer using web cams and mic.s at the time), i sat there and watched him fume. and suddenly he snaps it off, pulls the chord or something. and tells me that if i didn't want to talk he could just leave. i told him that i didn't want to say anything to make him angrier. we sit in silence for a long while, typing every now and then, finally i turn on some music. just as i do he says something and i asked him if he could repeat what he said if he had said anything, and told him that i had just put music on because he hadn't talked for a while. pissed him off again. he turned off the mic. after some coaxing i get him to turn it back on and he said that he'd better leave before he said something to me he'd regret. told me he loved me, left.

then... it gets better. my grammy (as i so affectionately call the old bat that is my grandmother) is in the hospital. yesterday morning, the nurse gave her a med. that she was not supposed to have, it made her arrest. the doctors told my parents (i was home as i had been out the night before) that she had a blood clot in her lungs and would die. so my parents watched as she gasped like a fish out of water to breathe, after a while she sat up in the bed and started to recover. last night the took me to see her. she was really out of it. i've lived with her from a young age and as much as she gets on my nerves i can't picture life without her being there.

also in regards to the comment on my last blog, we don't have money for the nose job that i might have to have. since it messed up some stuff on the inside, and it was caused by an accident, insurance might cover most of it. so lucky me. break your nose badly enough, get a nose job.

oh and if you have aol, there's this chick that sort of ganged up on me with another in this chat room. she told me that she did not like me... i said my life was ruined. she proceeded to IM and told me she was one crazy mother fucker and not to mess with her. i told her that i didn't doubt that one bit and if she'd leave me alone i'd leave her alone. she asked me if i was afraid, i told the bitch i wasn't afraid of anyone and that she was wasting my time. she then told me that she'd mess with my mind while i slept. can someone find the girl some help for that poor sick little mind she has? or perhaps just harass her, especially if you have a scary screen name julie111790. thanks much.

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DATE: 22 Sep 2006, 6:10 pm / MOOD: High

and that high mood is only from perscription pain killers. i try to stay away from becoming a druggie. wouldn't take much however. 1 tablet or darvocet had me loopy this morning. but i suppose i'd better go back and explain the pain killers and the title of this blog. i have broken my nose... pretty badly in two places. i'm in color guard, right. i spin a flag, rifle, and sabre. this particular accident involved a flag and a burst of wind. i did a toss and the wind caught it and slammed it back into my face. more precisely my nose. i saw it come down on my face. and when it hit me i knew i hurt before i knew exactly where i hurt. i reached up out of habbit to see if i was bleeding, usually i am not, however my nose started gushing this time. was in the minor care at the hospital last night until after midnight. and now i'm just miserable. good/bad news is that if i'm left with a knot i might get a rhinoplasty which i've wanted anyway. if they're going to be straightening and shaving bone they can do a bit of narrowing as well i figure.

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DATE: 02 Sep 2006, 6:18 pm / MOOD: Lonely

i'm scared for my bf... i'm scared for us. my poor aussie. he's just dropped out of nursing school and had decided (much to my dispair) that his last resort is to join the army. i hate the very idea. who knows where it will take him, how much time it will take from us, if it will put him in any danger... i do not want my hayden taken from me. i'm trying to hard not to be selfish and support him emotionally as the only person he says he cares about, but i can't help but feel a bit betrayed because he didn't talk with me before he decided to do it and he knew it was something i really desperately didn't want him to do. a certain phrase keeps coming to mind... i saw this girl wearing a shirt that said "the army has my soilder, but i have his heart." i don't want my hayden to be a soilder. :-(


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DATE: 20 Jul 2006, 3:53 pm / MOOD: Other

i've finally started a short story. it's been a long time since i've written anything. i only have a couple paragraphs but it's a process. the idea is that there is this couple that is deeply in love yet cannot be together for some reason. they both commit suicide and are reunited in a place where they can spend the rest of eternity in peace. i am not giving the characters names, the reason for them not being together will not be given, nor will i go into great depth with a physical discription. my idea behind this is that the reader can place themself or anyone else into the characters place. this is not the beginning but should be somewhere in the middle:

His hands shake as he gently closes the door to his bedroom. He takes the phone from the receiver, then lays on his bed gaping at the ceiling. It is nearing the time they had agreed upon. The window is open and a warm breeze billows the curtains. He looks to the full moon, pearly-silver and luminescent, knowing that he is worlds away from her, the one he loves more than anything else in the world, but she too is under that moon. Despite the distance he, in his heart, knows that they will be together once more all too soon. He glances to her framed photograph on his bedside table. She is beautiful; bright eyes with depth like polished stone, a delicate, turned-up nose, full lips and a petite pointed chin. The glass of the frame reflects the very savior that will reunite them: a bottle of pills which he will swallow one by one until they are together again. He takes her photo from the table and caresses it as if it were her smooth cheek and not the cold ice-like glass beneath his fingertips.
She is scared an unsure of what to expect. Will it be painful? Nothing could be more painful than existence without him. She takes a deep breath and as it fills her lungs with air, it fills her spirit with confidence. She pulls his t-shirt over her head. It is worn, but it is soft. It gives her the same feeling of warmth and security that she feels when he holds her. She picks up the lazy, black cat that is curled up at the foot of her bed and holds it close, stroking its silky fur one last time. It purrs then curls up once more as she places it back on the bed. She glances at the clock hoping she has not kept him waiting. Quietly, she tiptoes down the hall and slips through the backdoor grabbing two items as she departs: a cell phone and a sharpened blade.


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